Hellfire
by Karan Lerma
University of the Incarnate Word
Karan uses poetry and analog photography to explore themes of grief and its reflection of love. Karan aspires to evoke complex emotions and force her audience to confront the darkness to make room for the light. Karan had her artist debut “Daughter of Eve” with Mercury Projects in 2022 with works featuring film photography and poetry that showed the emotional timeline of processing sexual trauma and navigating a PTSD diagnosis. She has partnered with the National Alliance on Mental Illness showcasing her series “Late Night Conversations” that featured a fly on the wall insight to late night spirals with PTSD. Karan is a Religious Studies major with a concentration in Biblical Studies and minors in Literature.
Instagram: @theapostlescribe
“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” —Matthew 18:3
Red letter lines with promises of Everlasting Peace and instructions on how to achieve it. Father, why a child? A vulnerable and defenseless child. Don’t You know that it was because I was a child that I was assaulted? Don't You know it was because I was a child that I was neglected? Where is the Justice in that? Where is the Promise? It is all pain to become a child again with tears of grief flowing so deep they poured from the well of my Spirit. The Enemy twisted the shame and guilt, that was not mine to bear, and rotted my Flesh so much I had to die and live with what remained of my Being. While my Brothers and Sisters got to know You tenderly, I was thrown into Hellfire only the Holy could withstand. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy.
Missed opportunities because my body remembers. It stores the memories of hot breath against my neck, of fingers crawling, like a persistent spider, in my clothes…stifled cries against a pillow. My body remembers more of this than of the liberty of existence. Chained forever to what my body stores. Why a child, Father? Surely, I have been through the Trials for Salvation. I have endured enough Flesh of this world to inherit my birthright with exception. Each waking breath is a fight against this world. As a child, I could not face it alone. In the darkness I was not alone, though I should have been. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy.
Surely, You are more Gracious to your daughter. You’ve given me one when they told me I could not. You placed a Spring within my womb to cleanse what they said my body stored. Why a child, Father? Is it because, like her, they forgive quickly? Those days when I am too busy, too stern, too expecting, she waits for me patiently and with just a touch of her hand I am Saved. Tiny hands that hold my hardened heart, a spring of Love begins to flow. The well has not run dry, with Divine Love I am a well-watered woman. Ah, Father, is this why? A child gives from a place only a Divine Spirit can reach. Where Your spirit shines brightly and like a moth we are drawn to its warmth. Is this the Promise of Childhood, I was robbed of? Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy.
Father, how can I trust that I will not be neglected again? To become a child, I must return. Relinquish the anger that has sat too long with my Spirit that they are now too close to separate. Burning, spiteful tears shed over the edge of my bed for me to just…return. I have kept my eyes set on You in darkness, searching for a ray of light to cast out the shadows of Fear and Torment. Must I return to the Hellfire? Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy. Father, I am not Holy.
Interview with the Author
1. What do you want readers to take away from your writing?
To my dear readers, I hope you are able to confront the darkness in your life with this piece. Holding space for the grief in our life is a sacred act within the human experience. It is when we can hold these complexities that we can truly begin to see the light. Profound grief reflects profound love.
2. Is there an emotion that you feel when you write your pieces?
My pieces are written during a personal spiritual struggle. These conversations with God are authentic and only edited for grammatical purposes. I feel a spectrum of emotions, grief, melancholy, anger, and doubt. However, these heavy emotions are always followed with love, compassion, and peace.
3. What is your creative process when you write? Is there a mood you set? A mindset you focus on?
There is a poem written by Layli Long Soldier called “Poetry as a Prayer” Long Soldier shares that her poetry, her prayers, are written in the late hours of the night. I, too, write in the early morning hours. Whether I am inspired or haunted by an experience, scripture, or emotion. When I write I strive to reach the heart of our Father. I come to Him vulnerable in every emotional state.
4. Were there any challenges you might’ve faced in writing your story?
The biggest challenges I face are being honest with myself in the hardest emotions or experiences. I believe it is human nature to try and figure out why things happen and when the answer is insufficient, we want to bury or downplay the emotions/experiences. Sometimes I am fearful of the Truth that I feel and how acknowledging it can forever alter my perspective.