Washed and Ready to Eat
by Amalia Contreras
California State University, Fullerton
Amalia Contreras is a student at California State University, Fullerton. She is currently a junior studying English and History and minoring in Chicanx Studies. She is planning on graduating in the Spring of 2023. She enjoys writing nonfiction stories and poetry, as well as keeping a dream journal.This is her first ever publication. Amalia can be found making banana bread and cuddling with her beloved dog,Darla. You can find her website at amaliacontreras.com.
She’s debating walking into the room, she hesitates. Her hand rests on the door handle. She looks up at the ceiling expecting to see the answer to her dilemma. She could easily leave. But she goes back to her room, like a dutiful mother tending to her child. Her hands are cold and numb, while her knuckles are dry and cracked. No matter how much she tries to tend to her ashy hands, they never seem to get better. She’s skinny, too skinny. “I don’t like to see you like this,”they say to her. “You have no meat on your bones” or “You don’t eat very much, do you?”they say. “Have you tried Soylent?” Why, why, why?
She tries to no avail, but she can’t seem to make herself eat more.She is withering away.Why are you doing all of “this”, if you are not going to be around to see it? But she can’t control it.She just woke up one day and had lost twenty-five pounds.She also was cold all time, she bought a cheap heated blanket that warmed her feeble heart. It wasn’t her fault. “No one said it was going to be easy.”She pushes herself, until she can’t.
The doctor hands her a questionnaire asking about her eating habits, how often do you eat? How much do you eat? Do you take laxatives?Do you make yourself throw up?When was the last time you weighed yourself?Do you like your body? Rate it from 1-10.She scribbles down a five with a pencil, wait that’s too low. She erases it and writes a six.She checks herself in the mirror, and counts her ribs, one, two, three, four, five, six, she stops counting.The pants that used to be too tight, fit just right.Then they become too loose.
The doctor asks too many questions and sighs loudly, “You need to undress, we are checking for heart palpitations.” There she is, lying in a cold doctor’s office with nothing on but her mustard colored corduroy pants and a thin cover made of paper that covers some of her breasts, exposed.The nurse puts little sticky squares on her chest and connects it to the machine. She machine beeps and it says “You’re Fucked.''The doctor compliments her pants while she is lying there, her nipple slightly exposed, while they make small talk. “The 1970’s are coming back in full force huh? I really like those pants you’re wearing.” She responded politely, “Thank you, they’re my favorite pair of pants.” She stares at the machine, and stares, and stares.
But she starts slowly feeling better, she eats more often and tries new foods, she gets good news at her latest appointment. Her doctor’s eyes light up when she looks at her chart. She says, “The good news is you haven’t lost any more weight! You actually gained a teensy amount of weight!”The relief washes over me, and I smile and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. I can’t wait to tell my mom.
Interview with the Author
1. What was your inspiration for this piece?
The inspiration for this piece came from experiences and situations surrounding my health. I was in my dorm room one night around 8 p.m., and I felt like I was suffocating in my room.I felt that I really hadn’t taken a real break from school in so long, and I needed to write down all my thoughts. So, I went outside and walked around my college campus . Eventually, I sat on a table and started typing this piece.I’m a very private person, so I kept looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching me type. This was originally just going to be a journal entry, which is evident by how personal this piece is.
2. What is your creative process? (How do you go about writing or creating?)
Being indoors stifles my creativity so I like to go on walks or just sit outside. I usually will just write whatever I’m feeling at that moment, whether it makes sense or not. I just type as fast as I can before I lose my train of thought. It is an emotional process, creating art, so it can be exhausting. Baring your soul for everyone to read is terrifying,but I am trying to be more vulnerable.I enjoy creating art in other forms such as writing poetry or writing songs. I've been playing guitar since I was sixteen, so that definitely is part of the process sometimes.
3. What are some influences on your artistic process?
I am influenced by all types of art, especially poetry and music. Some of my favorite authors are Maya Angelou, Sally Rooney, and Stephen Chbosky.I often listen to music when I write such as Beach House, Jhené Aiko,David Bowie,The Cure, Radiohead,and SZA. I am also influenced by my older sister, Genesis, who writes poetry frequently.I have always looked up to her and she has been one of the biggest influences in my life.
4. Is there anything more you’d like our readers/viewers to know about you or your work?
I hope that my work can help individuals who have dealt with similar health experiences as me. I would like to let them know that they are not alone.I am on the path of recovery, and as cliché as it sounds,it does get better. You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors, so I try my best to be kind to everyone. If my story helps even just one person, I will be ecstatic.