The Path of Stars
by Delaney Dorantes
California State University, Fullerton
Delaney is currently trying to obtain a double major in English and Spanish while pursuing a translating certificate and a minor in Criminal Justice at Cal State University of Fullerton. She has served as a Spanish interpreter for her community, and plans to continue to do so in the future.
Estrella POV
“Papá por favor no te vayas[1]. Please… Please don’t take him away from me… I beg you…” I said amongst the tears welling up in my eyes while seeing my dad being taken from me. I felt a sense of helplessness seeping through every fiber of my being, as I witnessed them, the ones who were supposed to protect us, take my dad away.
“Mi vida[2], you’ll be okay. I’ll make it back to you, I promise so please don’t cry amor[3]…please” He yelled in desperation while they were tugging him away. The last “please” echoing, hungry for someone to hear it as they left my father’s lips.
It was a hot summer day when I lost my dad to the deportations. I remember being on the ground, how the scorching hot pavement created blisters on the skin on my palms and knees, as I laid there watching my dad being dragged away.
***
“Mi vida, don’t cry. Papá[4] will be back.” My dad said as he saw me crying. I was six years old when my mom left us for a fling and my dad was left behind to take care of me. That day, I remember him putting on his knock-off timbs, a yellow long sleeve, and cheap sunglasses before I bursted out crying.
“Don’t leave me” I said sobbing as my dad reached for me to cradle me in his arms.
“Shh- shh- it’s okay amor. I won’t ever leave you.” He uttered in an attempt to console me. His voice was like a soothing rain, a calming lullaby that would wash away all my worries.
[1] Translates to: “Dad please don’t leave”
[2] Translates to: “My life’; it’s a form of endearment between individuals, it can also be equivalent to “My love”.
[3] Translates to: “love”
[4] Translates to: “Dad”
He had to pick up another job in order to make enough money for us. We were barely getting by and I was scared that he would leave me like my mother did.
“Mija[1]” He said as he set me down on the bed and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a picture of the two of us. He then suddenly ripped the picture in half and handed me one of them.
“Mija, whenever you feel lonely just look at this picture of me. It’ll be a promise that I’ll always return to you no matter what.” He said while smiling at me. His eyes, engulfed by sadness and with that, he stood up and left to work.
***
I was taken by my aunt after the deportation incident. I didn’t know what to do as I left with her.
“Estrellita, mija. Don’t worry, you’ll be reunited with your dad soon” My aunt said as she glanced at the rear view mirror to look back at me.
“I just don’t know anything anymore Tía[2]. Will I be able to see him again?” I asked, hopelessly questioning the reassurance behind the statement that my aunt voiced.
“Of course mija. He loves you and has never abandoned you” She affirmed as I stared out the window, not knowing what to make out of my newly found situation.
[1] Translates to: “My daughter”; it can be used as an endearment by others, not necessarily a father and daughter relationship.
[2] Translates to: “aunt”
Antonio POV
“Papá por favor no te vayas. Please… Please don’t take him away from me… I beg you…” she said as she laid down on the floor crying, covered in sweat from the sweltering sun. Her hands, most likely scorched by the heat emanating from the ground. I wanted to rush to her and help her get up. I wanted to stop her from crying, to wipe away her tears and repeat to her that everything will be okay but I couldn’t. They had me restrained with their nails digging into my arms… a grip so painfully unbreakable. All I was able to do was yell out to her as they were dragging me away, “Mi vida, you’ll be okay. I’ll make it back to you, I promise so please don’t cry amor… please”. Hearing her sobs reverberate caused me to feel an aching pain which was chiseled deep into my soul. Shortly after, without being able to utter our last goodbyes, our last I love you’s, I was forced into the back of a van to be returned to my place of origin, Mexico.
***
Once I was on the other side, I was unsure on what to do next. I just wanted to be reunited with Estrellita, my beautiful young daughter. That’s all that mattered to me right now. It hurt me to think of her hurting alone. As I glanced around the unfamiliar grounds of Tijuana, I realized that the best option was to contact one of my cousins. I needed a place to stay for the time being and that meant I had to return to Sinaloa, where I spent the first 25 years of my life. As I walked around Tijuana, I was able to find a phone booth to dial my cousin’s number. As the phone rang, I anxiously waited for someone to pick up. Then it happened, someone picked up the phone, “Hello, who is this?” She questioned.
“Primita[1]. It’s me, Antonio.”
“Hola[2] Primito. How have you been?” She asked.
“I could be better.” I confessed.
“What do you mean? Did something happen?” My cousin asked, concerned.
“Me deportaron primita[3]. I need a place to stay.” I stated, anxiously wondering if she would let me stay yet that anxiousness suddenly got interrupted with her saying, “Ay Dios mío[4], of course you can stay with me Antonio”
[1] Translates to: “cousin”.
[2] Translates to: “hello”.
[3] Translates to: “I got deported, cousin”.
[4] Translates to: “Oh my God”.
“Thank you so much Margarita, eres un ángel. Realmente te lo agradezco[1].” With that, I hung up the phone and was about to make my way to my town when suddenly I felt a sharp object against my back.
“Quietecito[2]” a man with a raspy voice whispered into my ear as he firmly held the knife behind my back.
Estrellita POV
I was laying in the room which I was now sharing with my two cousins. Both of which were around my age. Marta was 13 and Julia was 14 just like me and due to the close age, we’ve always been close. My aunt and dad always talked about how Julia and I were going to share our Quinceañera[3] and that we would do it on my birthday but I just don’t know what is to come of that now. I turned around to glance at Julia who was sitting down across the room, she seemed to be writing down something right before she turned around to meet my gaze.
“Estrella” she said, suddenly calling out to me. At this, I turned around to my other side, hoping that she would take that as a sign. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to muffle all the thoughts away, I wanted to keep my mind blank for as long as possible yet to my luck, Julia didn’t pick up on the clue.
“Estrella” she repeated.
“You have to get up. Your dad wouldn’t want to see you like this” she stated. I knew that she was right. My dad wouldn’t have wanted me to act like this. He would’ve wanted me to stay positive and to stand firm against these odds that this country has put us in. But I just couldn’t. I
[1] Translates to: “…you are an angel. I really appreciate it”.
[2] Translates to: “Stay still”.
[3] Quinceañera. It’s a coming of age ceremony which is usually celebrated in the form of a party.
felt like my emotions came into a clear stop and all I really needed was my dad. With the lack of response, Julia finally took the hint and left, and just as she left, I dozed off to sleep.
***
“It’ll be okay mija” my dad said while on the other side of the bathroom door. I was around 12 years old then and I was going through something every young girl was going through.
”Papito[1]I'm scared. There’s so much blood… am I going to die?” I asked in fear at what was before me.
“Estrellita, mi vida. It’s normal. Just stay there while I make a quick phone call” He said nervously as I heard him make a call to my aunt asking what to do. Suddenly I heard him hang up and say “Mijita, I’ll run down quickly to la tiendita de la esquina[2]”
“Just don’t go anywhere and stay there” he added as I heard him sprint off. Around 10 minutes later, I heard the front door burst wide open and soon after rushed steps heading towards the bathroom.
“Mi niña[3]I brought you something that could help. I wasn’t sure which one to get you but I got you the biggest one I was able to find” He stated with a hint of uncertainty. He then proceeded to explain to me what my aunt told him and that whatever was happening to me was an important moment in a young girl’s life.
[1] Translates to: “daddy”.
[2] Translates to: “the little shop around the corner”.
[3] Translates to: “My little girl”.
Antonio POV
I felt the sharp blade against my back.
“Please, I don’t want any more problems” I told the man apprehensively.
“Mira, cuidadito[1]. I saw you approach the little shop around the corner and I know you have billetes verdes[2]” he whispered to me.
“Por favor, se lo suplico[3]. I don’t have much money and I need to get to my hometo-”
“A mi que mi importa[4]I want the money so hand it over!” the man said while losing his patience. With that, I handed him over the remainder of my money and the man snatched it without sparing another thought and ran away with it.
I wandered through the streets wondering what to do, I wished I could report it to the law but I knew that the men wearing the nations’ hopes and expectations alongside their pitch black uniforms wouldn’t do anything for me. I kept walking until I saw a little shop where a young pregnant couple were having a hard time loading up a small white truck. It reminded me of when I was younger, I wondered what it would’ve been like if Martha didn’t leave me so soon after Estrellita’s 5th birthday. How much easier it would’ve been all these years with both of us taking care of her, but none of that doesn’t matter anymore. If I had to redo it all over again, I would. Anything for my glimmering star in the night. She’s the reason for my being, the light that keeps pushing me forward. The one thing that truly matters. As I kept staring, the couple noticed my gaze and waved me over.
“Hola ¿cómo están?[5]” I asked as I walked over, wondering what they wanted.
“Bien. Gracias.[6] We just have one question. By any chance could you help us load this truck? Since my wife is pregnant, it's a bit hard to do it myself.” Answered the husband with a glimmer of hope shining through his deep ebony eyes.
[1] Translates to: “Look, careful”.
[2] Translates to: “Green bills”.
[3] Translates to: “Please, I beg you”.
[4] Translates to: “Why do I care”.
[5] Translates to: “Hello. How are you?”
[6] Translates to: “Good. Thank you.”
“Sí, por supuesto[1]. I’ll help you out.” I responded.
Right away, we started working on lifting each sack of grains. It took around two hours to finish between the two of us. During this time, I learned that his name was Eduardo and his wife's name was Maria, and that Eduardo was going to make a day trip to La Paz in Baja California del Sur right across the bay from where I’m from. I desperately pleaded with the young couple if I could somehow hitch a ride with him and that I could help unload the truck upon reaching the destination. To my surprise, they agreed and with that, we set off to La Paz.
[1] Translates to: “Yes, of course.”
Estrellita POV
”Estre-…. Estrellita… Estrella wake up!” I heard within the depths in my sleep. I didn’t want to get up. Why couldn't they leave me alone? I was tired of listening to them, to their words that unceasingly rang in my ears like an endless trill, oscillating between concern and pity. I don’t want any of it. I just want my seemingly endless existence to cease, nothing to bother me, nothing to remind me of my dad. With those feelings, a sudden thought slowly bubbled into my head before fully setting in and occupying it whole. Why did we have to be born this color? A rusty chestnut brown despised by others. If we would’ve been born a lighter shade- no, if we were born a milky snow white then we wouldn’t have to suff- STOP. I couldn’t continue thinking like that, I knew that my dad would be heartbroken if he knew I was letting those pernicious thoughts take a hold in a place in my mind, in my heart. My dad has always taught me to have a love from where we come from. A love for the beautiful vivid green, pure white, and blazing red which waved in every one of our hearts… in our souls, and I knew that I couldn’t forget that despite everyone turning their back against us. Abruptly, the voice, who woke me up from my slumber returned.
“Estrella” it spoke in a troubled tone. At this, I opened my eyes to reveal the image of Marta staring at me.
“What is it Marta?” I sighed knowing I wouldn’t be able to get Marta to relent. Unlike Julia, Marta was more stubborn and once she set her mind onto things, she wouldn’t easily let it go.
“Estrella, it’s time for you to get up. We’re all worried about you. You have to take hold of your life, go back to school and-”
“¡Cállate! Por favor… nada más cállate…[1]” I uttered with my voice breaking and tears forming in my eyes.
“You just don’t understand… you don’t get what it feels like to have your only pillar to suddenly be demolished by the ones who were supposed to reinforce my safety.. our safety” I continued heartbroken.
“But Estrella, we-“
“¡Mi única familia me dejó!”[2] I yelled out angrily, interrupting her. Tired of this never ending conversation.
“Familia[3],” she scoffed while emphasizing that particular word from the stream of words that trailed out of my mouth in a fit of anger.
“We are your familia too. We could’ve been that safe place for you too…” she said with her voice laced with pain as she got up and left me once again alone with my thoughts. As I reached out for my dad’s picture that was located on the table stand, I saw a butter knife that was most likely left by Marta when she first came in. As I stared at it for a few minutes, a sudden voice
[1] Translates to: “Be quiet! Please… just be quiet…”
[2] Translates to: “My only family left me!”
[3] Translates to: “Family”
came into my mind: Don’t. With that, I clutched the picture close to my heart as I wept wishing for this misery to end.
I’m so sorry. I’m just a little girl who wants her dad…
Antonio POV
After a day of traveling, we were able to reach La Paz. We kept driving until we reached a building where we were supposed to drop off the grains. Once we came to a complete stop, we got down and started unloading the truck. The whole process of unloading was much faster than the first time we loaded the truck. As I set down the last bag of grain to the ground, Eduardo invited me to get a guajolota[1] at one of the local street vendors there. There we ate and drank a cold glass of Jarritos soda. Suddenly, Eduardo lifted his hand and stretched it out to me. As I stretched out my own arm in reciprocation, he left a few crinkled bills in my hand.
“Usalo[2],” he stated.
“But—” I tried to tell him before he quickly interrupted me.
“You told me about your daughter Antonio. You have to make it back to her. It’s not a lot but it should be enough for a ticket for the Ferry. If you take it, it should leave you in Sinaloa which is where you need to go. Return to her Antonio” Return. That’s what I have to do. I quickly thanked Eduardo and made my way to the dock. Luckily, as I reached the dock there was a ferry ready to depart. With the boarding pass in hand, I embarked with nothing but my own hopes and aspirations of seeing my daughter again.
***
[1] A popular Mexican dish that consists of bolillo bread cut in half and a tamale sandwiched by both pieces
[2] Translates to: “Use it.”
The ride took half a day to reach the coast of Sinaloa. I witnessed a familiar scene, the sandy rocky beach, the salty smell in the air. The waves slowly caressing the shore, meeting one another, reaching in for an embrace, reminding me of my daughter and how one day we would be together again. When we finally reached our destination, I quickly disembarked and walked towards the center of town and made my way to my cousin’s house. Despite all these years I’ve spent away from my family, everything looked the same. The house was still a bright warm orange and was still well- kept. The door and window frames were the color of white. Everything, exactly the same. I reached out my hand to knock against the door when suddenly the door opened revealing two big brown eyes belonging to what appeared to be a little five year old boy. Soon after, Margarita came from behind the boy and angrily started reprimanding him. Suddenly, she stops and looks at me.
“¡Primito! It’s nice to see you again. Mira este es mi chamaco[1], the one that I told you about. He’s such a troublemaker.” She said while laughing. I looked at the young boy who was grinning, trying to make sure that with my sudden presence his mom would finally let him off the hook for opening the front door.
“Entra entra[2]” she said eagerly, ushering me to come inside. As I sat down, I realized that the interior has definitely changed, unlike with the exterior part of the house. The interior now reflected the newfound liveliness in the house. As I looked around, Margarita quickly went to the kitchen and five minutes later, she brought back a plate of chilaquiles[3].
“Mira, comete esto[4]” she said eagerly.
[1] Translates to: “Look this is my kid”
[2] Translates to: “Enter enter”
[3] A traditional Mexican dish consisting of chips, salsa, egg and sour cream
[4] Translates to: “Here, eat this”
“Así está bien, gracias[1]” I responded, while she placed the plate in front of me. We sat there in silence until one of us broke it off.
“Primito, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m not sure. I guess the sooner I can hire a coyote[2] to cross me over, the better” I said, looking at the not eaten chilaquiles sitting in front of me.
“But that’s really dangerous! There must be another w-“ she was saying frantically until I cut her off.
“There isn’t. I just have to get back to my daughter Prima”
“I’m so sorry, primo. Don’t they ask for a lot of money to cross you over?”
“Yeah they do but I’m planning on asking Teresa to send me some money. Right now, Estrellita is staying with her”
“When do you plan to leave?”
“As soon as the coyote can cross me over”
“Alright, primito. You can use our phone to contact Teresa and as for the coyote… I think my neighbor knows someone that can help cross you over. I’ll get into contact with them and I’ll let you know when you can cross over. Can you look after my kids while I come back? I shouldn’t take too long” She said while getting up and grabbing her keys to head out.
“Por supuesto Primita and thank you” I said while she looked back at me and smiled before walking out through the door. After she left, I got up and reached out for the phone to call Teresa. Teresa ended up telling me that she would send over the money to pay for the Coyote and while I was on the phone, Margarita came back with the information regarding the Coyote. She told me how long it would take for him to cross me over plus the information so we could wire him the money. I made sure to let Teresa know every detail so we could plan ahead. With that, I sighed in relief knowing that in a week I’ll be able to see my daughter again.
[1] Translates to: “It’s fine, thank you”
[2] Coyote is someone who illegally crosses someone over the border.
Estrellita POV
My aunt gave me the news regarding my dad. I felt a rush of happiness to the point that I conceded to their request regarding going to school. As I got to school, my newfound happiness came to an end just as soon as it started. The other kids started bothering me, claiming that I’m dirty because of the color of my skin. That just like dirty murky water, everyone wanted to steer clear of me because they didn’t want me to get my “filth” on them. I knew that I shouldn’t have come but I let my happiness get a hold of me.
Antonio POV
The sun was scorching hot. I felt like the more I walked out here in the sun, the sooner I would pass out. My throat felt so dry, my skin burned from all the hours under the direct sun and my feet felt like they were gonna start bleeding any minute now from all the walking we’ve done. Occasionally we were able to take breaks but they didn’t last long because we were in fear of getting caught. During the nights, it felt so cold. Some people from our small group would huddle together to keep each other warm. Each day and night felt unending, it even came to a point where my sense of time started getting jumbled. I just hoped that sooner or later I’ll be able to finally get home.
***
After what I assumed to have been a few more days, a truck with five officers came to detain several of the men that were trying to cross over. Even the coyote couldn’t save himself from being detained but as if luck was on my side, I was able to escape before they caught me. The only issue I now faced was figuring out how to finish crossing over. While traveling, I heard the coyote mumble that we were close to arriving, that we only needed to head northwest for a day or two to officially arrive at our destination point. With the little information I held, I continued to walk forward alone in the desert.
Estrellita POV
I can’t handle it anymore. It’s been weeks now and I keep getting mocked by others… I’m entrapped within the dark with no means of escape without a warm light to guide me. It’s been two weeks since my dad should’ve come back home. At school everyone is telling me that he left me and I know they’re right…I know he won’t show up… that I was alone again… all alone.
***
“Mira[1], look up at the stars mija” my dad uttered to me through his love filled eyes.
“They’ll one day guide you. If you ever feel alone and feel as if my picture is not enough to provide you comfort, look up in the stars and remember that your ancestors are also looking after you.” he added.
“Papá, how do you know that?” I asked, wondering if what he said was true.
“I know because for a long time I was struggling alone when I first came here. One night, I was stargazing and that’s how I ended up meeting your mother. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have come to meet you, mi estrellita[2]” he stated, as we looked up at the night sky.
***
With the thoughts wildly running through my head, I felt a strong urge firing rapidly in my body and then suddenly stopping on my wrists. An urge to rub them against the rough fabric of my sleeves until I bled and that’s when I realized… the only way to escape this torment… the only way to be able to be reunited with my dad in an instant, one way or another… the only way to see the light again. I quickly picked up the old half photo of my dad, and a pen. I wrote for what felt like 2 minutes. With that, I reached for the kitchen butter knife that was left at the table and held it with my hands. The sudden thought… just do it and it was done. Nothing more and nothing less. Done.
[1] Translates to: “look”
[2] Translates to: “my little star”.
Antonio POV
It took several days but I somehow managed to get to my sister’s house. Only the front doors are what separated me from my daughter. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. All the hardships are over now. I can finally reassure and comfort my daughter that I won’t ever leave her again. That the scary part is now over and that we can figure out what to do for the future. With that, I started knocking on the door. Suddenly, my sister opened the door with tears in her eyes, tears filled with anguish and distress. She suddenly mouthed words that I never would’ve wanted to hear. I felt my blood run cold as I sprinted into the house knocking down every door until I saw my little Estrellita, laying down on the cold hard floor. The stars and the universe fell on me and crushed me with full force as I reached down to her with trembling arms and held what was left of my only hope and aspiration. In the corner of my eye, I saw the photo I gave her with the backside which read:
To whom it may concern,
I’m finally where I longed to be. I’m no longer alone like I once was. So to whoever reads this, don’t feel bad for me since I’m finally playing among the stars, in the light and at peace… I know that there’s a possibility my dad may not be up here with me and if that’s the case, seré la estrella que guía a mi papá a casa…[1]
[1] Translates to: “I’ll be the star who guides my dad home”
Interview with the Author
1. What inspired you to write this piece? What was your thought process throughout?
What inspired me to write this piece was the current societal issues occuring in our nation. I come from a Hispanic background and it breaks my heart when I hear stories from different minorities regarding family separations. As I wrote this story, I wanted to make sure to capture familial love as well as the hard working background of many individuals that go to another nation to provide better economic opportunities for their family.
2. What do you hope readers will take away from your piece? What effects do you want the piece to have on the person, community, or society?
I hope that the readers will be able to gain a sense of compassion for marginalized groups and just like everyone else, they deserve the opportunity to better themselves and their families. I hope that this piece can raise consciousness within society. So that society can become more sensible towards issues that are worth standing up for. I know that many people hold someone dear to themselves. It could be family, friends or even both. I just want people to picture themselves in the place of the characters and understand the devastating effects that family separations can have on individuals.
3. What is your favorite piece of fiction (short story, novel, flash fiction, etc.) that you’ve ever read? Why?
My favorite piece of fiction is a short story titled “¿No oyes ladrar los perros?” (Do you not hear the dogs bark?) by Juan Rulfo. The short story focuses on a father carrying his hurt son on his back. The father continuously talks to his son in an attempt to make sure his son is still okay and asks him questions to make sure that his son is still alive. It gets to the point where his son passes but the father continues talking to his son, in a way hinting at how he refuses to accept his son’s death. The reason as to why this is my favorite piece of fiction is because Juan Rulfo does an excellent job of exploring the theme of parental love. Despite, his age, the father chooses to continue carrying his son all the way to the village.
4. If you plan on continuing to write, what are some goals/plans you may have for your future?
I’m unsure if I’ll continue to write in the future since my main goal is to become an interpreter yet if possible I would love to continue writing on the side. If I continue to write, I hope that my stories can help bring consciousness to the issues raised in my stories. I first plan to work primarily on short stories before moving on to novels in the long run. With that being said, I am currently working on another story on the side that will focus on the theme of confinement and hope to finish it soon.